There are so many social norms that we feel pressured to live up to- 8am-5pm work hours, 1 week vacation/year, attend all kids sporting events, 8hrs of sleep, family reunions, weekly dinners with parents, all weddings, all funerals, all birthdays. Do more, do less in any of these areas than what is expected and assumptions about you are being made (or at least that is how it feels). Dinner on the table at 5pm with all family members happily sitting around engaging in thoughtful conversation about their day. In my house, dinner time is a necessity. In other words, its purpose is to eat. When I get hungry, I make dinner. I tell the boys their food is on the table. My children definitely know how to bless food but it is not something they learned through daily repetition, if you know what I mean. In an attempt to keep their bottoms in their chairs, I normally make a threat to throw their food away if they get up again and then of course the tears from the occasional follow through. I typically bribe them to eat a few more bites in order to get dessert. Did I mention they are usually in their T-shirts and underwear? I eat as fast as I can when I feel a moment of calm approaching and then sit there impatiently waiting for them to finally finish so I can clean up after them, particularly the trail left on the floor. Alex usually comes in somewhere afterward and fends for himself by warming up a plate. Often times he doesn't eat until after the boys go to bed so that he can play with them.
I won't shrug in embarrassment over this description of our everyday lives. Part of the chaos of our dinner routine is that I have a 2 and 4 yr old and it is seasonal. But dinner time does not equal quality time. It can be but it is not always. I value quality time and could tell you other daily routines that create intimate atmosphere in our family. If this time for you is dinner time, I'm not being critical. My point is that society norms are not fundamental truths. Society norms should describe what has been helpful for others but instead they get interpreted as a systematic outcome that we feel burdened to live up to. The truth is that we are all far too unique to call any approach to living as normal.
If we are discarding what others say and what the "norms" dictate, how do we determine when life is affecting the quality of our relationships?!? It can happen. We can grow apart, disenchanted, and bitter in all relationships whether family, friendship, or work related. How is it that the greats survive? They make huge sacrifices, time lost, treasured moments missed, but yet there is still something that connects them. War heroes off at war for a year of duty. Your peer gets selected for the promotion over you. The perfect storm left you no choice but to get a second job. Surely these losses cause feelings to dwindle, but there is something greater than feelings that keep the relationship committed. There is something there that, when held before them, can rekindle at any moment. It's common purpose or vision. The ultimate understanding that they are connected, not merely for enjoyment, but for something unique that they can't do without each other. Vision is your relationship-o-meter. The strength of your vision will equate the strength of your relationship. It will determine what losses it will sustain, what hurts it can forget and what obstacles it can get past.
This life tool is to value and guard vision in our relationships. Through vision, we can rid ourselves of guilt associated with societal norms and other peoples' opinions because we now know why we do the things we do. To create your vision, start by knowing yourself and your own unique qualities. Then in your relationships, find common purpose by reviewing why this person came into your life and how they fit into that greater vision. Once you have defined it, talk about it often. When times feel tough, use it as the trump card. Your thoughts are wandering in discontentment, but don't abandon the vision. It's easy to leave people. It's not easy to leave purpose.
Warning: Common purpose might not be so common. Be careful about assuming your spouse or close relationships see the commonality of your purpose. Communication is essential to finding the common part. Sometimes one person seems more in the spotlight but the other one is just as much a part of the reward through their behind the scenes sacrifices. Great vision accommodates and honors all parties in the rewards.
What's up with you?
What relationship is strained in your life that could be reconnected by discussing why you are meant to be in one another's life? What is your vision and how do your primary relationships fit into it? What burdens from societal norms can be lifted through common vision? What is your family vision? Is it hard to find? Let's talk about it here.
Excellent job. I look forward to these posts. I really do. You have so much wisdom and I am glad that you are stepping out of your comfort zone to share it in a format like this.
ReplyDeleteLove you!