The Desire to Help

I have a gift for being wise.  One definition of wisdom is: a skillful art in war -- or, simply put, knowing how to do the right thing at the right time. This may sound arrogant to you at first, but by the time you've finished this I'm hoping you won't feel that way.

I was often told as a teenager that I was "mature for my age".   It is probably the most-given compliment I have received from others.  Even my closest friends and husband, when asked to say something nice, will include the word "wise" somewhere in their comments.  It's easy for me to see this gifting in my lineage.  My mother and her mother both possess a gift of wisdom.  I've even had confirmation from God, through unknown individuals speaking to me, about this gift.  I often have friends ask for advice on how to handle a situation. Friends will call me for parenting advice and, while I always do what I can to encourage them in the right path, I myself have only been a parent for 4 1/2 years (the 1/2 here is very important to the 4 year old of whom I refer).  But, just because I have this gift doesn't mean I can always apply it in my own life.  My life gets messy sometimes and it is easy during those times to feel disqualified from helping others.

This past year we have had to go through the grueling process of deciding where to send our oldest son, Joseph, to Kindergarten, or if we should even send him at all.  He turns 5 at the end of August and the cut-off date is Sept 1st.  His personal aptitudes, his age, and his maturity level were all considered and did not all end up in the "pro column".  However, it did feel like there were more items listed under pro than con, so we moved forward in researching schools and narrowed it down to 3 options.

For months I was obsessed over the decision.  I was in what I call my bad place, which is analysis paralysis.  I talked to everyone I could about their experiences and opinions on school.  I mean everyone-- strangers, neighbors, friends.  My poor closest friends took the most abuse as I was incredibly self-centered, occupying conversations and revisiting points already made with what I felt was a fresh new perspective.  It all culminated on a particular Monday when I stopped by to visit some close friends, who are also pastors, after dropping my children off at Mother's Day Out.  I had stopped by to catch up and, 2 hours later, after reliving all my analytical thoughts again, they prayed for me and I began to cry.  Right there, I repented out loud of assuming that somehow I could do enough thinking or research to guarantee the right answer and that I had forgotten my need for faith.  Faith is about what you don't know or can't see, and the irony of the moment was about to reveal what was happening with Joseph at preschool.

At about the same time of my repentence, this same child, whose future was causing me so much turmoil, was at a safe little Christian MDO, popping another child in the face, giving him a bloody nose. To say that it was a low moment would be an accurate description as I got the phone call requesting that I pick him up early from school.  Already raw from the day's discussion, I cried as I had to address the teacher.  As I said earlier, not everything was in the pro column and his aggressive behavior at school was definitely a con.  This was not an isolated incident, but it was the worst of all the incidences.  As a parent, I was horrified.

We had tried every form of discipline and had consistently disciplined this behavior with little to no improvement.  We don't teach this behavior at home, so how does a 4 yr old even know how to make such a square hit?!?  Pure coincidence, I suppose.  He had worn a collared white shirt with a vest and clip-on tie that day.  He had insisted that he wear it, so I let him.  Seeing the other child's blood on the  button up white shirt caused me to feel deep shame that he was capable of this.  Up to this point, I had felt so certain that he should go to Kindergarten that fall, but this incident left me more confused than ever.  As I carried my children out of the building that day for our early dismissal,  despite my complete despair, I couldn't help but feel a deep sense of ownership.  These were my kids and while I didn't have all the answers, they were mine.  Nothing would ever change that.

This day became the most pivotal moment in finding victory in this story. After discussing why this had happened with our son, we were able to pinpoint exactly why he continued to have issues with a particular boy at school.  We discovered that Joseph, who is almost a full year younger than this other child, was very aware that the other child was older and could run faster, and this was difficult for Joseph to accept.  We made sure that  Joseph understood the consequences of his actions  and was required to make it right with his friend.  Thankfully, the receiving family, and the school, were beyond gracious and accepting of our apologies.  He was also taught that if someone is better than you at something, it should make them your greatest ally not your greatest enemy.  Who better to learn from than someone who can do something better than you?!?

Graduation from Preschool at MDO

This epiphany for Joseph changed his behavior and he has had no more behavioral issues at school.  And in time, we were able to make a decision, in faith, on exactly where to send him to school. His first day of kindergarten will be August 17th of this year.  You see, I also got some perspective of my own that day.  I had allowed the fear of the unknown to turn me into an unrecognizable version of myself.  That day, I stopped thinking that if I did enough research I could accurately predict the future.  I started relying a little more on the faith that I so often encourage others to do.

I have been given gifts and so have you.  But that doesn't mean we have it together all the time.  I'm not proud of my behavior nor my son's behavior through this decision making process but it didn't stop me from helping others in this season.  Identify your gifts and don't let your inadequacies hold you back from exercising them.  Maybe by sharing my own inadequacies, I can encourage you.  Like mine, many of your gifts are right in front of you.  In fact, we discovered a gift in Joseph that day-- competition!  It obviously needs a little molding, but as his mom, I will be sure he sees in himself what I see in him.

Wisdom is a gift on my life and it is why I started this blogging endeavor.  It is not to promote my gift, but to use it to help others.  It may not help every person who reads it, but it will help a certain person who needed to know this just at the right time.  To believe this exalts your faith, not your gift. That alone is enough to move forward my desire to help others even when I feel weighted down by my imperfections.

This life tool is simple.  You have a gift.  Please use it.  Maybe its cliche, but the world really is waiting.

What's up with you? 
Did you need encouragement today? How can you  move forward in helping some one else? I believe in you!

Relationship-O-Meter

Ever wondered how to measure how healthy your relationships are? Outsiders will look into our lives and make assessments or perhaps be the relationship-o-meter in our lives.  While we always say we don't care about the approval or disapproval of others, there is something about someone else's opinion that bothers us.  Other peoples' opinions cause us to have to question our own truths upon which we have established our lives.  But, what if we had a firm truth that could withstand the outsiders viewpoint?

There are so many social norms that we feel pressured to live up to- 8am-5pm work hours, 1 week vacation/year, attend all kids sporting events, 8hrs of sleep, family reunions, weekly dinners with parents, all weddings, all funerals, all birthdays.  Do more, do less in any of these areas than what is expected and assumptions about you are being made (or at least that is how it feels).  Dinner on the table at 5pm with all family members happily sitting around engaging in thoughtful conversation about their day.  In my house, dinner time is a necessity.  In other words, its purpose is to eat.  When I get hungry, I make dinner.  I tell the boys their food is on the table.  My children definitely know how to bless food but it is not something they learned through daily repetition, if you know what I mean. In an attempt to keep their bottoms in their chairs, I normally make a threat to throw their food away if they get up again and then of course the tears from the occasional follow through.  I typically bribe them to eat a few more bites in order to get dessert.  Did I mention they are usually in their T-shirts and underwear?  I eat as fast as I can when I feel a moment of calm approaching and then sit there impatiently waiting for them to finally finish so I can clean up after them, particularly the trail left on the floor.  Alex usually comes in somewhere afterward and fends for himself by warming up a plate.  Often times he doesn't eat until after the boys go to bed so that he can play with them.

I won't shrug in embarrassment over this description of our everyday lives.  Part of the chaos of our dinner routine is that I have a 2 and 4 yr old and it is seasonal.  But dinner time does not equal quality time.  It can be but it is not always. I value quality time and could tell you other daily routines that create intimate atmosphere in our family.  If this time for you is dinner time, I'm not being critical.  My point is that society norms are not fundamental truths.  Society norms should describe what has been helpful for others but instead they get interpreted as a systematic outcome that we feel burdened to live up to.  The truth is that we are all far too unique to call any approach to living as normal. 

If we are discarding what others say and what the "norms" dictate, how do we determine when life is affecting the quality of our relationships?!?  It can happen.  We can grow apart, disenchanted, and bitter in all relationships whether family, friendship, or work related.  How is it that the greats survive?  They make huge sacrifices, time lost, treasured moments missed, but yet there is still something that connects them.  War heroes off at war for a year of duty.  Your peer gets selected for the promotion over you.  The perfect storm left you no choice but to get a second job.  Surely these losses cause feelings to dwindle, but there is something greater than feelings that keep the relationship committed.   There is something there that, when held before them, can rekindle at any moment.  It's common purpose or vision.  The ultimate understanding that they are connected, not merely for enjoyment, but for something unique that they can't do without each other.  Vision is your relationship-o-meter.  The strength of your vision will equate the strength of your relationship.  It will determine what losses it will sustain, what hurts it can forget and what obstacles it can get past.

This life tool is to value and guard vision in our relationships.  Through vision, we can rid ourselves of guilt associated with societal norms and other peoples' opinions because we now know why we do the things we do.  To create your vision, start by knowing yourself and your own unique qualities.  Then in your relationships, find common purpose by reviewing why this person came into your life and how they fit into that greater vision.  Once you have defined it, talk about it often.  When times feel tough, use it as the trump card.  Your thoughts are wandering in discontentment, but don't abandon the vision.  It's easy to leave people.  It's not easy to leave purpose.

Warning:  Common purpose might not be so common.  Be careful about assuming your spouse or close relationships see the commonality of your purpose.  Communication is essential to finding the common part.  Sometimes one person seems more in the spotlight but the other one is just as much a part of the reward through their behind the scenes sacrifices.  Great vision accommodates and honors all parties in the rewards.

What's up with you? 
What relationship is strained in your life that could be reconnected by discussing why you are meant to be in one another's life? What is your vision and how do your primary relationships fit into it?  What burdens from societal norms can be lifted through common vision? What is your family vision? Is it hard to find?  Let's talk about it here.

A Tribute

To the Fathers in my life...

Blessed beyond full that I have 4 fathers to write about.

Alex Fitzgerald is the father of my 2 children and the committed witness to my life.  He excels in these two roles above the masses as he does in most everything he does.  He is the most loyal warrior I know with strength of hand but depth of heart.  Never afraid to show his tenderness, it causes his valor in battle to shine all the more.  If our boys could possibly comprehend now the kind of father they have, there would never be a fear that they would stray.  Of course, life doesn't work that way but it does leave the ability for him to leave footsteps to follow. What a great inheritance our boys have!

Andy Albright is a father of vision.  Vision requires a path made and correction to it.  He has pioneered a way for us to fulfill dreams and corrected us so we didn't stray from it.  A father of vision can be a hard role to fill because it can be thankless in the short term. But the most affective visionaries move with certainty not worrying who gets the credit.  With a heart full of gratitude, I honor him today.

Pastor Mike Hayes is a spiritual father.  We are definitely one of the many that found healing for our wounds under the words and covering of this man.  Now we serve others out of the overflow of what is in us but this is only because of his ministry and the healing it brought to our earthen vessels.

My Dad

Richard Knorr is my Daddy.  It's an honor to favor him.  I get what I need from my Dad.  My heart aches for those who don't know what its like to be full from a Dad's love.  I will share my Daddy with you because I'm sure of the depth of his faithfulness.  He could do it.  Take you all in, care for you, meet the need of our fragile identities just by letting you be who you are and never lacking in affection or love.  The power of these simple acts is profound and my Dad is a master of them.

Happy Father's Day!

Making Influence a Commodity

I like American Idol.  If you don't feel the same, its ok.  I am going some where so bear with me.  Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina made it to the Finale.  In my opinion, there were more deserving contestants for the finale but somehow, i just could not be disappointed at the results because these two are so darn likeable.  Since Scotty's win and Lauren's smooch on him, I can't help but like them even more.  A friend was telling me the other day how they still insist they are just friends and how their moms are now the best of friends.  Here we are 3 grown women all over the age of 35 and I am actually interested quite enthralled with her stories.  It's laughable, I know, and many of you are poking fun.  Some of you won't admit it but you just learned something new yourself and felt a rush of thrill over the news. But there is a force at work here that we hide in embarrassment to be pawns in its game, but what if we could decode and understand how to use the force in our favor?

If my neighbor was telling me of two talented teenagers from the nearby high school that sang beautifully together,  I would say, "oh, that's nice."  If she didn't take my cue and continued on, to tell me how they are so cute together but insist that they aren't dating.  Their moms have even become great friends.  I surely would not feel a rush or a thrill over this news.  In fact, would be hard pressed to store in my memory bank or ever mention again.  So what makes the exact same story on American Idol so riveting to millions of Americans? One word: influence.

Everyone wants it but few understand the inner workings of such a force.  If we can't identify when it is being used on us, we will never understand how to use it for our favor.  Influence is a commodity.  It's not inherently bad or good.  Influence is almost always coupled with a talent in a particular area.  As we see on American Idol, it can be raw or practiced and does not necessarily need to be the greatest talent in its area.  This special force is an ability whether sincere or not to make others feel they can trust you and that above your own needs, you care about them.  Scotty and Lauren both were able to communicate that they were trustworthy in the everyday practices of their lives as well as they would do whatever it takes to reach their audience.  No one can determine if anothers' motives are pure, but as voters on American Idol, we think we can accurately discern, and ultimately, the votes reveal who could display the power of the force of influence.

Learning to communicate these qualities should naturally flow from the inner workings of our hearts.  When we learn to love others from a sincere place, it puts a demand on the everyday practices of our lives calling us to a higher standard.  We happily live this standard as an expression of our love of others.  And this is how within a particular sphere of God given talent we can distinguish ourselves and become a person of influence.  Influence is not easily contained nor controlled once given and will inevitably affect all spheres of your life.

Let's apply this tool by identifying when influence is being used in our everyday lives and learn how to gain influence in our respective spheres.   Because being coupled with talent, influence for negative gain often communicates, "don't you wish you could be like me".  My desire is to use influence for good by teaching others how to do the same.  Positive influence empowers others instead of creating a wall of separation to designate who can and who can't.  I don't mind being a pawn in the game every now and then but knowing how to identify when I am being swayed for my own gain versus bound and entangled could become one of the most valuable difference makers in my life.

What's up with you?
Identify negative influence so it can't keep you down.  How can you find positive influence and become positive influence in your spheres?

Feelought or Theelings?!?

Sometimes I forget what I'm worrying about, but I know I was worrying because I can feel the ache in my heart.  Usually I forget because I'm distracted by some other thought process like how the kids have once again managed to get fingerprints all over the windows or I hear my phone inform me I've got a new text.  The physical angst I feel remains and reminds me to remember what I was worrying about.  So, I start working through the categories of my life like a checklist to relocate that area of concern.  This process always seems crazy to me.  It's amazing how my thoughts can move on but my feelings can remain,  and yet I insist on realigning my thoughts with my feelings.

But today I understood why this happens.  Climbing back into bed to wake my husband this morning, I felt disappointment.  I felt disappointment because my husband is an intensely focused, high performing man who runs on little to no sleep.  So when given the freedom to catch some zzz's, he becomes increasingly difficult to wake.  With me and the boys just selfishly wanting him to entertain us on a Saturday morning, I attempted to wake him but as I lay in bed beside him, I felt this strong rush of disappointment.  It was because of my previous experiences in this exact same scenario where I have left disappointed.  I had no reason for him to wake.  When there is a legitimate reason he always wakes, but when its just because, it isn't usually the same result.  I felt strong negative feelings and instantly my brain started thinking of all the reasons why he had disappointed me.  I had gone way back to "how some things will never change" and it only took an instant to pull the worn out movie reel in my mind.  For some reason this morning, I stopped myself with an epiphany.  Very aware of the physical discomfort caused by disappointment,  I realized my feelings and thoughts are not attached.  My brain is programmed as if they are.  I feel that gnawing in my gut and my thoughts begin to rationalize my feeling.  But what if I didn't have to ruin my Saturday morning by being mad at my husband?

What we did on Saturday morning as a family

Feelings are simply emotions that cause us to feel something physically, but I don't have to allow my thoughts to submit to my feelings.  While I'm not as convinced my feelings can be changed in a moment, I know my thoughts can be changed in a moment.  I believe feelings are a response to our experiences.  Whether positive or negative, how we felt about that experience in the past will determine how we feel in the future.  The only way to alter the feeling is to alter the thought process associated with those feelings. I felt disappointment today but I quickly stopped my thought process and remembered how grateful I am for my husband.  He never knew I had this moment.  In fact, he might feel like I've shared too much.  He did awake soon after and bring some entertainment for us.  We had a great morning that was not tainted by my bad mood.  But it was such a powerful tool to know that I don't have to ruin a moment, a day, a season because I feel a certain way.  I can preserve so much time in life by choosing my thought life.

So if life is about the pursuit of happiness, not simply being happy, this is a tool that will take time to master.  Today was my aha! moment but tomorrow will be a challenge just the same to apply it.  I'll get it right some days and I'll get it wrong others. Slowly I can master it.

We are designed to feel.  Don't stop shedding tears, bursting out in laughter, or gasping at great surprises.  Just know that your feelings and thoughts are not connected.  They aren't "feeloughts" or "theelings". They are two separate abilities with two separate purposes.

What's up with you?
When you apply this, let me know in comments how it works.  I often catch myself now saying I can control how I think about this scenario when my feelings tell me different.