What You Are Looking For

My "add value" list, too long for now, but here's a few faces...

I hope you know people in your life that add value.

Like, the other day, I had a friend and her son over for dinner.  We share Tuesday nights together because both of our husbands work.  I had bought a roasted chicken and made some sides.  As we cleaned up from dinner, she offered to cut the remaining chicken off the bone into a smaller container.  Me, not being a domestic diva, found the thought enlightening.  Normally, I would put the half eaten chicken in the fridge convincing myself that even though the last 18 times we didn't eat it, we would this time.  But thanks to the brilliance of my friend, the next day I made soup with the pieces of chicken.  Just by seeing it in a different form, I was able to use it in a different way.  Value added. Check.

The next day another equally great friend out of the blue asked me "How's your writing coming along?"  My honest response, "I'm struggling with feeling so vulnerable.  There are so many great writers out there how can I possibly add anything.  So I just haven't picked it back up."  Her response, "Why does it have to be the best writing out there?!?"  Point made.  Value added.

We coin words in our culture that take on extra meaning.  For example, "dreams" or "purpose" or "calling", these words for some bring great inspiration but for others leave them feeling left out.  The concept feels abstract.  Somewhere there is a desire to make a difference but they don't feel tugged or even worse feel overwhelmed at the thought of speaking to thousands in a coliseum or opening an orphanage in Haiti or even making large amounts of money.  So how do they find what they are looking for?  Where does their life make a mark that will not be easily forgotten when dead and gone.  It seems as though everyone desires to be remembered for something.

You find purpose by being purpose where you are.  Everyone's life imprint looks different so don't think unless I find my name in credit reels, have the most friends on facebook, or leave a lasting piece of art that you have missed your mark.  If you use your experiences, your talents and your concern for others to add value to someone else's life, just like my friends did for me above, then you have found purpose.  The more you become what others are looking for, the more you will find that your life has become exactly what you are looking for.

Now maybe you cynics are saying but I'd rather be Friend #2 than Friend #1.  Really?!?  Because these added equal value in my life.  Cooking meals does not come easy for me.  In fact making a meal, the thought process, the time, the emotional effort, then hoping and praying my children will eat it, and my husband won't say "don't make that again, it upsets my stomach."  That process takes longer and is far more arduous than writing this blog.  Seriously.  Don't ever prejudge the value of your contribution to someone else.

It must be said that adding value and sharing your opinion are not the same thing.  It helps to have a firm grasp on the difference. Value is providing what someone needed when they needed it and an opinion is something they can do without.  Their response and feedback will help you know which one you did.

This life tool is everyone has value to offer another.  Seems like everyone is searching for "purpose" like its the new energy source that will solve the world's problems. Just add value with one person, then another, then another, and before you know it, the next time you hear someone challenge you in your purpose or dreams, you will know exactly what yours is!

Afraid of the Dark

One of my best friend's son is 6 (let's call him Justin) and he is a bit advanced for his age.  One night I was laying in bed playing Scrabble, trying to distract my brain from my pregnancy sickness so that I could fall asleep, and I sent this friend a text asking how Justin's first day of school was.  This is how the next little bit of correspondence went,

The darkness in which Justin peered.

J- "It was asome Justin wrote this"
Me- "Glad you had fun!"
J- "This is Justin iam texting you"
Me- "Yes. I'm happy that you had a good day :)."
J- "Thx!!!"
J- "I am in the mists of that darkness" And he had attached this picture.
Me- "Does your momma know you got her phone?"

And she did know.

We continued our discussion until we agreed we were both tired.  But we set a date to play friend Scrabble that next day at 4:30 since, "I have a tite schedule I wake up for school at 6:45am and my mom pick me up at about 3:30pm they only time i probraly about 4:30pm."   So our date was set.

I share this to put a smile on your face, because kids are too funny.  What I find most interesting is that Justin, being 6, was in the "mists" of the darkness, and he was not afraid.

I was very afraid of the dark as a child.  I can remember thinking there were people under my bed that would grab my feet if I touched the floor.   And, for sure, there was something in my closet that was bound to get me if the door wasn't closed.  I would clutch my covers around my neck as if they had mighty powers to save me, while I sweat miserably.

I can also remember, in the darkness at night, while trying to fall asleep, asking Jesus over and over again to save me from Hell.  I was so afraid of life after death, the things I did not understand and it tormented me at night.  I look back and wonder why I never talked to my mom or dad about it.  Why did I wrestle with that fear and never give them an opportunity to shed some light on the topic?  I didn't know that the the right answer from a trusted friend can stop a questioning fear.

As an adult, I overcame the fear of believing in strange creatures or monsters under the bed, but overcoming the fear of the darkness in our heart is another issue.  I went through a course to work on me and found a greater sense of understanding about not feeling fear, unforgiveness, rejection, anxiety, pride, jealousy, and the list goes on.  I didn't completely rid myself of these feelings, because that just is not realistic, but I found a helpful path of processing them to allow them out as easily as they came in.  I learned to not give these feelings an opportunity to create harmful places inside my heart.

The real test came shortly after I finished the course.  I had taken a walk with my husband and we had pulled our oldest, who was 18 mos at the time, behind us in the wagon.  Since I had just completed a course on recognizing "issues" in my own life, I apparently now found myself an expert at recognizing them in his.  To keep the peace, I didn't mention what I noticed, but I definitely returned to the house unsettled in my mind that he couldn't notice these things about himself.  I sat down in our den frustrated.  There was music playing, a kid's CD that we had accidentally left on.  It just happened to be a song that goes, "I will not be afraid.  I will not be afraid.  I will not be afraid of the darkness."  As sweetly as the song played, I heard the voice of God say, "you cannot be afraid of his darkness."

I have a friend who says that some people are experts at putting lipstick on a pig.  I think as women we do this for our husbands and our children to protect ourselves.  It has nothing to do with protecting their need for respect but everything to do with how their behavior effects us.  We respond out of fear and we address them abruptly expecting them to change quickly.  We surely don't want anyone thinking bad about us because of what they did or God forbid, how they dress :).

In that moment, I knew that just like God revealed to me what needed to change in me, He would do the same for my husband.  And just like I have to go through experiences that expose my pride in order for me to get rid of my pride, my husband would have to do the same.  Trying to detour him around these experiences would only delay the result.  The same goes for my children.  I've got to allow them to experience their own hurts, their own mistakes, their own losses and then be there as a guiding force through it.

I was wrong that day in my assessment of my husband.  I can still remember that my son was in the wagon singing the verses of Amazing Grace.  If only I had allowed myself to be captivated by not only his ability but his heart in that moment, I would remember that walk with my family that day fondly.  I robbed myself of that moment.

This life tool is to talk about what is in the dark.  It's the main secret I learned in that class.  If we will just talk about it and tell a trusted source, we will see it more clearly as we move it from the concealed place.  In our ability to see it more clearly, we will have more insight in what to do with it. You can't expose someone else's darkness because you really can not know what is in there.  It's dark.  Why do you think you can see into it?  But you get the privilege of feeling around your own darkness, and you know exactly how full or empty it is.

Deeply Well

Something he can do!

My youngest son, Zachary, is nearly 3.  He is in a- "I can't do it"-stage.  These are things that he is perfectly capable of like picking up toys, walking from the car to store, going and getting his Pup-pup for bedtime.  I don't give in to him because I know he is capable.  I make him do these things and usually require him to repeat after me- "I can do it!".  He isn't a fan of my self-improvement ways, but I have little compassion for him when he refuses to do something that I know he can.


Quite honestly, I see myself in him.  Not something I'm proud to admit.  I like to think I've matured enough that I have figured out how to pick up and move on.  But I still enjoy my moments of wallowing, however brief or long they may be, where I get an opportunity to cry and express my disgust with the situation. I've actually come to believe there is nothing wrong with these moments.  What matters is what happens next.

I'm married to a man who doesn't let me wallow long.  I haven't always appreciated him for this. He's a great communicator and will hear me out on how I feel about things.  But because he lives his life at such a standard of "no excuses", he, quicker than I prefer most times, eventually ends these types of conversations with some gentle way of telling me to "suck it up".  I typically walk away a little bruised and left to think.

We spent nearly 5 years building a business together and these years were such a thrill.  Through arguing and debating in the first year, we found our groove.  We figured out who should be doing what, how the other one operated, and felt released to trust each other to do what we said we would.  We worked grueling hours, had high expectations of ourselves and we loved every minute of it!  Once we hit our stride, the business grew through all these years and we were so fulfilled not only by our success but by our relationship.

When our first son was born, I decided to stay home and I found myself really struggling.  Oh goodness, I was so tired, never thought being that tired was possible.  I had handed over every personal whim to the needs of this child.  I had to abandon myself to be his mother.  But at the same time, I was mourning the loss of productivity at work, I was feeling lonely in my relationship with Alex now that we didn't have the same schedule, and I was resenting him for still working his relentless schedule when I needed him more than ever.  This was one of those times that I discussed earlier where he would hear me out, but ultimately not agree that I couldn't go on.  He wasn't insensitive to me.  He just needed me to stop saying, "I can't", and start saying, "I can".

Now that I'm a stay at home mother of two (soon-to-be three), business partner to my husband (which involves my daily emotional accessibility, regular traveling, speaking, mentoring and much more) and recently an Elder at Covenant Church, the thought of only having a newborn sounds like a vacation.  I look back at that season when I always felt like he didn't understand, a little bruised that he wasn't more sensitive, and I realize that I was growing a deep well so that I could become deeply well.

Sometimes the words, "I can't" just come out as a natural reaction to life feeling hard.  As I more closely examine my heart, I normally find there is something else in there for me to give.  It might require me to dig a little deeper than I thought possible but by reaching deeper to give out for my kids, my husband, and others I can help, I find that in fact I run much deeper than I think.  And truly I become stronger, capable of handling more, as I choose to expand my capacity.

This life tool is try saying "I can!" more often even when you don't feel like it.  We are capable of so much more than we realize.  I give you permission to take your moment, have your meltdown, feel your feelings.  It is all real.  But at some point you've got to get up square your shoulders and decide there is something more inside of you that you can give. Mad love to those of you who have been forced to dig deeper through major life traumas and come out changed and stronger on the other side.  We've all gone through things that we didn't want to go through and we can relate to being grateful for them.  Yet victory can also be won when we aren't forced, we just choose to give at that deeper level.  What we find there might just change us for the better.

"Only people who find the deeper well can become deeply well, and only such people can be an enriching force in creating a well culture." -Dick Staub

The Moment that Matters Most

It's hard to be a mom.  Perhaps the hardest thing of all is the realization that after being given this precious, most amazing being, you can lose it.  Everything is temporal in this life whether it gets consumed, deteriorates, or dies.  There isn't anything that I can think of that lasts except our actions that sow forward into our future and the future of others.  It's the only thing that can have lasting impact.  History tells us this is true, but it also records all other temporal things in an attempt to cling to those things which aren't intended to last forever.  It's good to remember.  I'm not dissing history. It's just the hardest thing for us to accept that which we love won't always be here and it haunts us as mothers.

I remember when I gave birth to my first son I thought it was the most awe-inspiring experience I had ever had.  I wasn't moved to tears because I was so stunned and excited.  In fact, I didn't cry at all until they wheeled me out of the hospital to my car with this little, most unexpected creature in my lap.  I realized that now I was responsible for not breaking him and consequently my now very fragile heart.  About 6 months later, after so many anxiety ridden days of checking to be sure he was still breathing, eating just right, never exposed to germs and probably calling the pediatrician too many times,  I was driving in the car wrestling with God saying I can't trust you with him until I heard Him say so clear, "What other choice do you have?"  So simple, but so profound.  While he was still breathing and doing just fine, I had become more aware than ever in the last 6 months that doing everything I could, would never be enough to ensure nothing would happen to him. And yet again, God wins :).

Through this struggle, I have come to believe that there is a moment in a child's life that is the most important of all.   Since everything in life is temporal, and boy, some days that is a real blessing.  It doesn't feel like a blessing when it comes to the people we love.  But here is where it gets a little sticky because I definitely do not want to push my belief system upon you.  It does seem like most people, in their attempt to understand this life is not permanent, believe in something after life, and even believe in some ultimate Being.  If this is your core understanding, then you can hang with me.  I believe there is life after death and while I'm not real sure of what we will look like, I believe we will know one another.  This means that when life seems over, it actually just began in another realm.  That realm isn't temporal but is permanent. Meaning there, in that place, my precious, unexpected beings, that ravished my heart, will last forever.  With this understanding, it becomes obvious that the moment of conception is the most significant because it just created another eternal being that will last forever.

I have 4 moments of conception and no matter what happens from this day forward I have 4 beings in eternity.  On Sept 15, 2005, I miscarried a baby girl.  Her name is Lucy, which means light, if any of you beat me there.  She will have a special glow when you meet her.  My two beloved sons, Joseph and Zachary, who are still here on Earth.  Lord willing, I will beat them there, but at least I have the comfort of knowing that we have a designated meeting place should we get separated. And, yes, that leaves one more.  You all are good at math, I can tell.

With that lengthy, but fitting intro, we did find out on July 19th that we are expecting again.  Baby Fitz #3 will be joining us around April 1st, and no, this is no April Fool's joke.  Here's the proof in the picture.  Just what you wanted to see, I know.



I know this blog challenges the whole issue of abortion and I'm not trying to be controversial.  It's just the only way I can rationalize the fear of losing a child, and maybe it could heal the heart of someone who might be broken by the decision of abortion to know that even that decision wasn't as permanent as it felt since the most significant moment happened at conception.  I do most definitely believe in the purpose of our days, but this brings peace, in my rationale, to some haunting realities of life.

This life tool is to remember that some moments that might go unnoticed are actually the most significant moments of life.  Don't fret, I adore my husband as well and believe when we married, I was bound with him for eternity as well.  There is just something about the love combined with the responsibility that we feel for our children that makes our ability to think rationally about them so much more challenging.  (Ok, its just as hard to think rationally about our husbands too but that's for other blogs :)).  Sometimes, a little shift in our perspective can bring a sense of peace that we didn't think was possible.

Add'l Note: I apologize for not blogging for the last 2 weeks.  I have been very sick from this pregnancy making it difficult for my brain to write.  So, I don't make a lot of promises for the near future, but I will be back in full force shortly.

Less Than

"Pretty, pretty please. Don't you ever, ever feel. Like you're less than.  Less than perfect.  Pretty, pretty please.  If you ever, ever feel.  Like you're nothing.  You are perfect to me."  Thanks to Pink, you might be singing along (hopefully, leaving out the curse words that are in the original version of this song :).  Feeling "less than" is a common feeling to all.  We like to be around people who don't make us feel like less than.  It's one thing to be around people we want to learn from, but quite another to be around others who intend to highlight the things we cannot change about ourselves in order to make us feel inferior.  As if things we cannot change about ourselves could ever rank us.

Being German I'm very light skinned with light brown hair, but was raised at a time when tan and blonde were the "in" thing (I suppose it still is).  As a pre-teen and teenager, I preferred winter when I was a little less aware of how I could never be as cool as the most popular girl in school with the perfect tan.  I never felt beautiful or accepted. I didn't understand that feelings of intimidation were a choice that I had graciously accepted. Thankfully, this is not something that can cause me to feel inferior anymore, but there are still other things that I can allow to cause feelings of intimidation.

One of the ways is simply by being a married woman who desires and thrives on meeting the needs of her husband and family.  There are plenty of women, whether they work outside the home or not, that feel this way. Somehow, thanks to the feminist and "submission" movements, its easy to feel less than because I chose this role.  I believe wholeheartedly in the power of authority and, for that reason, in submission.  But the definition of submission has become quite subjective over the years.  It feels like assumptions are being made about me being weak or mousy because of the perceptions of our culture today, and I find myself feeling intimated by those who make other choices in life.  Simply by being a woman, which I had no choice in, I can feel less than a man.

Chris Gardner and Us

This past weekend I attended a conference for National Agents Alliance (the greatest place on Earth to find a vehicle to make something out of nothing, in my humble opinion).  Chris Gardner was the keynote speaker.  He is the central figure that the movie "The Pursuit of Happyness" was based on.  Such an inspiration of how coming from nothing will create the drive and focus to do whatever necessary to achieve your dreams.  The gratitude built in that process gives a keen perception of what is truly important in life, giving you the ability to accumulate a lot without losing that which is most valuable.  He tells the story of how while working at Bear Sterns, he had a particularly interesting relationship with this millionaire from Midland, TX.  His name is J.R. (at least in the book).  Chris was in San Francisco and within the first few interactions on the phone, he became comfortable enough with Chris to let his true colors show.  J.R. loved inappropriate language and particularly racist jokes.  Chris said he was especially fond of the "N" word.  Chris chose in that moment to keep his eyes on what was important.  This guy's racist views and language was not one of them.  Chris had no choice about the color of his skin, and he wasn't going to allow this man's bigotry to keep him from providing for his son and benefiting his career.

J.R. had a large amount of money with Chris and his firm and he decides one day that he needed to meet Chris, who had done so well for him.  Chris had a knot in his stomach as J.R. told him of his plans, but agreed to meet him anyhow.  He prepared himself to be sure he could prove the success of the account.  As J.R. entered the room, Chris stuck his hand out and as J.R. shook his hand, the man's face went pale.  No mention was made until the end of the meeting when Chris said to the man, "This isn't a black or white thing. This is a green thing."  So impressed with Chris, J.R. never again told him a racist joke.  And it is my assumption that he never again told a racist joke to anyone.  J.R. also moved all of the rest of his accounts over to Chris making it the largest account in the history of the company.

Chris, knowing he was not less than J.R., made the choice to know what it would take to get what he was after.  In fact, Chris proved that he was much "greater than" in character.  In this same way, I know that as a woman I am not less than a man.  However, I understand what I have to do to get the things I want.  I know that I have to follow someone (everyone has to follow someone in order to get the best out of life).  And if I'm going to follow someone it might as well be the man I love the most in this world.  It's a choice to follow someone and not an easy one at that.  Chris's choice was not easy but I don't see anywhere in his story where he is mousy, weak or less than.  So, like Chris, I choose to remain focused on what is most important in life.  I let Alex do some things that I think I can do better or change my schedule when events become necessary or figure out how to hold my tongue in the toughest of scenarios. The ability to be pliable enough to follow a leader, willing enough to let go of that which is not important, and stable enough to hold things together when everything else is falling apart makes me "greater than" in the things I can control like character, integrity and strength of heart.  Don't tell me I'm less than, cause I ain't listening!  All I can hear is the sound of that which I am after marching forward to intersect with the path of my future.

This life tool is to be proud to be a life wife.  It is the short-cut to life's best.  I don't care whether you consider yourself an A, B, C or Z personality type.  Don't change who you are, just figure out how to follow someone and not get distracted on the little stuff.  Change that which you can and don't worry about the rest.  You are perfect to me to become who you want to be.

Raleigh News&Observer Article about Chris Gardner and NAA

Are You Breeding?

I've always used this belief - "familiarity breeds contempt"- to keep certain people at arms length.  I didn't want them to know my human tendencies- how I'm not really a night or a morning person, because I just like to sleep, or how when I get really passionate about a topic I become annoyingly difficult to hush, or how I simply fail, over and over again, to keep my husband's underwear drawer full.  You know, these "imperfections" we all confess to have, but if we don't show them then maybe we can keep the impression that they aren't really that bad, in comparison.

How I could see him.

I'm also very aware of how familiarity with my husband has caused me to see him a little differently too.  There were so many times in the early years of developing our business that he didn't produce results and I convinced myself that he was inefficient or unproductive.  (Yes, Baby, I was wrong. Music to your ears :)  At times I also struggled to buy into his unwavering loyalty to a vision.  It became easy for me to feel contempt for him.  Of course, I've never been a huge fan of his snoring or tendency to fall asleep anytime he sits still for more than 2 minutes.  So, I'm aware of how familiarity can lead to contempt.

What confuses me is that I don't believe familiarity is a bad thing.  We were created to be familiar with one another. Two are better than one. It's definitely the best design out there to have a life witness.  Procreation pretty much demands it.  (Don't over-think that one.)  So, if familiarity is not a bad thing, then why does it breed contempt?  Maybe the problem in this equation isn't the familiarity, but the contempt itself.  Perhaps the message here is to avoid the pitfall of contempt while entering into familiarity with another human.  This puts the onus on the one entering the familiarity.  In other words, it puts the responsibility back on me to avoid contempt in all my relationships.

How I choose to see him.

There is a way to protect yourself against contempt but it probably isn't the answer you are hoping for.  It's simple -- but not easy.  And while it may not feel like it, it is under your control.  It's a choice to see it differently -- to look at the things that could potentially annoy you and choose to find them endearing.  To find them different than you, but essential for you.  Why not just assume that this person is doing the best they can with what they’ve got.  There is great power in assuming the best about people.  Don't wait on a wake-up call like serious illness or separation to change your mind.

Yes, this definitely applies with my husband who takes such abuse by being the subject of my blogging.  Thank the Lord that he isn't afraid of being known and making himself familiar.  He's just smart enough to know that if one person has contempt for him, he can find someone else who doesn’t.  But this goes far beyond him, to people that I work for, people I work with, and people with whom I share my heart and life.  Trust me, they’ve got the goods on me.  Now, I've got to make good by guarding my heart against contempt.

This life tool is to not allow your thoughts to create a breeding ground for contempt towards others, especially those whom you intend to keep around for life.  It will protect you from missing out on what is designed to be your best.  Getting what you need from the most pivotal people in your life requires a little familiarity. So, they aren't perfect.  So what?!?

Who's the Cake's Boss?

I really like cake.  All kinds of cake- coffee cake, pound cake, bundt cake, upside down cake, cup cakes- you get my point.   I probably like cake a little too much and the scale attested to this a few weeks ago.  So, I decided if it had gone up, that it must come down.  I joined Weight Watchers and began to count my points, watching what I ate very carefully. If someone put cake in front of me right now, I would really have to think about not eating that cake.  I could rationalize it.  Since I get a budgeted amount of points per day, I could use them now and just not eat later.  Or I could go to the gym and earn the necessary points.  I would seriously think hard and maybe even be a little perturbed at the person who put the cake in front of me.  Despite my deep longing to just sample the cake, I might find the strength to walk away.  Inevitably, the next day, I would reflect on my good decision and tell myself that was really no big deal to not eat cake.  I should not eat cake more often!  But somehow, the longing is just as strong the next time we meet.

This type of longing or craving is very indicative of the nature of pain caused by discomfort.   The intensity of pain in a moment sways us towards the decision that will relieve the pain.  Usually, these decisions are destructive in nature to what we were working so hard to build in our life and relationships. But after the moment has passed, we barely remember the pain, yet we are still living out the consequences of our decision made in the pain.  In the years of struggling to get out of debt, build a business, fight for my marriage, bring children into this world, I have cried so many tears.  But quite honestly I do not remember what I was crying about, not specifically.  I remember trials that we had to work through, but I can't remember exact dates and details of tearful nights.  I know through those years I picked up some bad habits that I had to battle my way out of-- my addiction to TV, junk food joys, shutting down emotionally towards my husband.   I also have done some things right because we did get out of debt, build a business, strengthen our marriage and somehow manage to start the process of our two "off-shoots".

Some of you are desperately fighting for things to change in your own life.  You're tired of the heavy weight of debt, unsettling anxiety or dissatisfaction in your relationships; and if I can encourage you at all, it is to remind you that you will most likely not remember the tears you are crying today.  But you will remember clearly and vividly the day you overcome.  The day you pay off the last credit card.  The day you enter a room of strangers with less anxiety.  The day you reach your weight goal.  These victories are vivid and worth building monuments to revisit over and over again.  Don't let pain lie to you in the moment (like me rationalizing eating cake) and rob you of these life changing events.

Not pretty...eating cake rarely is!

This life tool is not don't eat cake :)!  I put a picture here to go ahead and stop the paparazzi when you see me eating cake.  My affection for cake doesn't nullify the point.  But I do need to remain the cake's "boss" to keep its effect on my scale to a minimum.



This life tool is to not allow pain to keep you from making the right decisions.  The pain will move on.  It's one of life's greatest graces.

Check out this link for a little something extra.  Trust me, its worth a couple minutes!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SLJ5X5hsHs&feature=related

How Come the Outcome

Just when you think you've got it figured out...

Never fear, friends, the competitive spirit is alive and well in our household.  In a society that has become afraid of crowning winners for fear of wounding self esteem, we have daily rivalries over everything from who got dressed first to who is sitting closest to mommy at breakfast.  Truly, I sometimes find myself moving just to be able to eat in peace.  The most popular competition is who can get their seat belt on the fastest.  Funny enough, my younger son cannot even buckle himself in yet.  While I'm buckling him in, my older son is working quick to be first.  All the while, they are smack talking to each other about who is going to win.  "I'm almost there.  You're going to lose. I'm going to be first." As the tension rises, so does the screaming and loss of control of emotion, which usually brings about the inability to maneuver hands and effectively buckle.  Then, whoever finally can open their eyes long enough to realize they lost or won, will cry all the more if the outcome did not go their way.  I'm not exaggerating.  It all culminates with me saying, "That's enough. Quiet!"

Competition is stronger in some as an innate compulsion to win.  It's an awesome self-motivating spirit of someone who is willing to make self sacrifices in order to reach a desired outcome.  It also comes with a strong desire for constant self improvement. I know this because the man I'm married to possesses this admirable quality and it shows.  I get to witness it.  I have grown to not only understand it but love it about him.  A great competitor understands that you win by excelling in the process not by willing the outcome.  Right now, my children do not understand this.  They're kids, but as they grow to be excellent men, they will be able to comprehend the power of the process.

I relate sometimes to their thinking, as children, when I desire a certain outcome in life.   I don't want to make the right choices, get control of my emotions, or have to bear the burden one moment longer but I cry when the outcome doesn't go my way.  These are the moments that I have to make the painful choice to look in the mirror and make necessary adjustments.

...everything changes.

But what about when the outcome requires more than my daily disciplines?  What about when it requires me to believe the best even when I don't feel like it?  These outcomes involve things I cannot control. Suppose you gave your best and believed with all your heart, but it doesn't go your way.  These moments of disappointing outcomes can be the hardest to overcome.  It's easier when we can identify something within our daily routine or behavior that could have altered the result.  But when it just isn't clear, we begin to doubt what we thought was true.  How does this not affect what we will believe the next time?  We've all been there before unsure why it didn't go our way, why our prayers weren't answered.  We feel forever changed unable to believe with our whole heart again.  It just leaves us questioning everything.

Maybe the answers to the questions are far more simple than we realize.  The answer could be as close as an Alan Jackson song, "Faith, hope, and love are some good things He gave us."  To correctly quote the source of these words, it says "Faith, hope and love will remain."  When all outcomes pass on, the money earned, the degrees accredited, the business built, even the days we live, the unmeasurable substances-faith, hope and love- will prove to still be there. Sounds a bit unfathomable but if this is true, that these thought processes to apply faith, hope and love in all things actually continue to live on, then they live on in other peoples' hearts who were encouraged by you to believe this way.  Then they pass it on to someone else.  You know, it only takes a spark to get a fire going.  (I'm sorry, y'all, for the cheese but it just applied here).  And if you believe in Heaven, these substances live on when the new heaven and the new earth come.  Every outcome that we are fighting for will be gone, but faith, hope and love are the only currency that actually has a measurable attribute in Heaven.  This belief doesn't change the will to win but it frees you to compete all the more when you're not afraid to lose.

This life tool is to never stop believing for the best outcome possible.  To apply faith, hope, and love in the process, when it's all said and done, might just be the most rewardable (yes, i made that word up) outcome of all.   If society could understand this, that self worth is built in the process, not destroyed by the outcome, then maybe we could raise a generation of children not afraid of losing but afraid of not trying.  There is far more to be lost by not trying than by not winning.

What's up with you?
Where have you given up that you need to re-energize your belief in the best outcome possible?

The Desire to Help

I have a gift for being wise.  One definition of wisdom is: a skillful art in war -- or, simply put, knowing how to do the right thing at the right time. This may sound arrogant to you at first, but by the time you've finished this I'm hoping you won't feel that way.

I was often told as a teenager that I was "mature for my age".   It is probably the most-given compliment I have received from others.  Even my closest friends and husband, when asked to say something nice, will include the word "wise" somewhere in their comments.  It's easy for me to see this gifting in my lineage.  My mother and her mother both possess a gift of wisdom.  I've even had confirmation from God, through unknown individuals speaking to me, about this gift.  I often have friends ask for advice on how to handle a situation. Friends will call me for parenting advice and, while I always do what I can to encourage them in the right path, I myself have only been a parent for 4 1/2 years (the 1/2 here is very important to the 4 year old of whom I refer).  But, just because I have this gift doesn't mean I can always apply it in my own life.  My life gets messy sometimes and it is easy during those times to feel disqualified from helping others.

This past year we have had to go through the grueling process of deciding where to send our oldest son, Joseph, to Kindergarten, or if we should even send him at all.  He turns 5 at the end of August and the cut-off date is Sept 1st.  His personal aptitudes, his age, and his maturity level were all considered and did not all end up in the "pro column".  However, it did feel like there were more items listed under pro than con, so we moved forward in researching schools and narrowed it down to 3 options.

For months I was obsessed over the decision.  I was in what I call my bad place, which is analysis paralysis.  I talked to everyone I could about their experiences and opinions on school.  I mean everyone-- strangers, neighbors, friends.  My poor closest friends took the most abuse as I was incredibly self-centered, occupying conversations and revisiting points already made with what I felt was a fresh new perspective.  It all culminated on a particular Monday when I stopped by to visit some close friends, who are also pastors, after dropping my children off at Mother's Day Out.  I had stopped by to catch up and, 2 hours later, after reliving all my analytical thoughts again, they prayed for me and I began to cry.  Right there, I repented out loud of assuming that somehow I could do enough thinking or research to guarantee the right answer and that I had forgotten my need for faith.  Faith is about what you don't know or can't see, and the irony of the moment was about to reveal what was happening with Joseph at preschool.

At about the same time of my repentence, this same child, whose future was causing me so much turmoil, was at a safe little Christian MDO, popping another child in the face, giving him a bloody nose. To say that it was a low moment would be an accurate description as I got the phone call requesting that I pick him up early from school.  Already raw from the day's discussion, I cried as I had to address the teacher.  As I said earlier, not everything was in the pro column and his aggressive behavior at school was definitely a con.  This was not an isolated incident, but it was the worst of all the incidences.  As a parent, I was horrified.

We had tried every form of discipline and had consistently disciplined this behavior with little to no improvement.  We don't teach this behavior at home, so how does a 4 yr old even know how to make such a square hit?!?  Pure coincidence, I suppose.  He had worn a collared white shirt with a vest and clip-on tie that day.  He had insisted that he wear it, so I let him.  Seeing the other child's blood on the  button up white shirt caused me to feel deep shame that he was capable of this.  Up to this point, I had felt so certain that he should go to Kindergarten that fall, but this incident left me more confused than ever.  As I carried my children out of the building that day for our early dismissal,  despite my complete despair, I couldn't help but feel a deep sense of ownership.  These were my kids and while I didn't have all the answers, they were mine.  Nothing would ever change that.

This day became the most pivotal moment in finding victory in this story. After discussing why this had happened with our son, we were able to pinpoint exactly why he continued to have issues with a particular boy at school.  We discovered that Joseph, who is almost a full year younger than this other child, was very aware that the other child was older and could run faster, and this was difficult for Joseph to accept.  We made sure that  Joseph understood the consequences of his actions  and was required to make it right with his friend.  Thankfully, the receiving family, and the school, were beyond gracious and accepting of our apologies.  He was also taught that if someone is better than you at something, it should make them your greatest ally not your greatest enemy.  Who better to learn from than someone who can do something better than you?!?

Graduation from Preschool at MDO

This epiphany for Joseph changed his behavior and he has had no more behavioral issues at school.  And in time, we were able to make a decision, in faith, on exactly where to send him to school. His first day of kindergarten will be August 17th of this year.  You see, I also got some perspective of my own that day.  I had allowed the fear of the unknown to turn me into an unrecognizable version of myself.  That day, I stopped thinking that if I did enough research I could accurately predict the future.  I started relying a little more on the faith that I so often encourage others to do.

I have been given gifts and so have you.  But that doesn't mean we have it together all the time.  I'm not proud of my behavior nor my son's behavior through this decision making process but it didn't stop me from helping others in this season.  Identify your gifts and don't let your inadequacies hold you back from exercising them.  Maybe by sharing my own inadequacies, I can encourage you.  Like mine, many of your gifts are right in front of you.  In fact, we discovered a gift in Joseph that day-- competition!  It obviously needs a little molding, but as his mom, I will be sure he sees in himself what I see in him.

Wisdom is a gift on my life and it is why I started this blogging endeavor.  It is not to promote my gift, but to use it to help others.  It may not help every person who reads it, but it will help a certain person who needed to know this just at the right time.  To believe this exalts your faith, not your gift. That alone is enough to move forward my desire to help others even when I feel weighted down by my imperfections.

This life tool is simple.  You have a gift.  Please use it.  Maybe its cliche, but the world really is waiting.

What's up with you? 
Did you need encouragement today? How can you  move forward in helping some one else? I believe in you!

Relationship-O-Meter

Ever wondered how to measure how healthy your relationships are? Outsiders will look into our lives and make assessments or perhaps be the relationship-o-meter in our lives.  While we always say we don't care about the approval or disapproval of others, there is something about someone else's opinion that bothers us.  Other peoples' opinions cause us to have to question our own truths upon which we have established our lives.  But, what if we had a firm truth that could withstand the outsiders viewpoint?

There are so many social norms that we feel pressured to live up to- 8am-5pm work hours, 1 week vacation/year, attend all kids sporting events, 8hrs of sleep, family reunions, weekly dinners with parents, all weddings, all funerals, all birthdays.  Do more, do less in any of these areas than what is expected and assumptions about you are being made (or at least that is how it feels).  Dinner on the table at 5pm with all family members happily sitting around engaging in thoughtful conversation about their day.  In my house, dinner time is a necessity.  In other words, its purpose is to eat.  When I get hungry, I make dinner.  I tell the boys their food is on the table.  My children definitely know how to bless food but it is not something they learned through daily repetition, if you know what I mean. In an attempt to keep their bottoms in their chairs, I normally make a threat to throw their food away if they get up again and then of course the tears from the occasional follow through.  I typically bribe them to eat a few more bites in order to get dessert.  Did I mention they are usually in their T-shirts and underwear?  I eat as fast as I can when I feel a moment of calm approaching and then sit there impatiently waiting for them to finally finish so I can clean up after them, particularly the trail left on the floor.  Alex usually comes in somewhere afterward and fends for himself by warming up a plate.  Often times he doesn't eat until after the boys go to bed so that he can play with them.

I won't shrug in embarrassment over this description of our everyday lives.  Part of the chaos of our dinner routine is that I have a 2 and 4 yr old and it is seasonal.  But dinner time does not equal quality time.  It can be but it is not always. I value quality time and could tell you other daily routines that create intimate atmosphere in our family.  If this time for you is dinner time, I'm not being critical.  My point is that society norms are not fundamental truths.  Society norms should describe what has been helpful for others but instead they get interpreted as a systematic outcome that we feel burdened to live up to.  The truth is that we are all far too unique to call any approach to living as normal. 

If we are discarding what others say and what the "norms" dictate, how do we determine when life is affecting the quality of our relationships?!?  It can happen.  We can grow apart, disenchanted, and bitter in all relationships whether family, friendship, or work related.  How is it that the greats survive?  They make huge sacrifices, time lost, treasured moments missed, but yet there is still something that connects them.  War heroes off at war for a year of duty.  Your peer gets selected for the promotion over you.  The perfect storm left you no choice but to get a second job.  Surely these losses cause feelings to dwindle, but there is something greater than feelings that keep the relationship committed.   There is something there that, when held before them, can rekindle at any moment.  It's common purpose or vision.  The ultimate understanding that they are connected, not merely for enjoyment, but for something unique that they can't do without each other.  Vision is your relationship-o-meter.  The strength of your vision will equate the strength of your relationship.  It will determine what losses it will sustain, what hurts it can forget and what obstacles it can get past.

This life tool is to value and guard vision in our relationships.  Through vision, we can rid ourselves of guilt associated with societal norms and other peoples' opinions because we now know why we do the things we do.  To create your vision, start by knowing yourself and your own unique qualities.  Then in your relationships, find common purpose by reviewing why this person came into your life and how they fit into that greater vision.  Once you have defined it, talk about it often.  When times feel tough, use it as the trump card.  Your thoughts are wandering in discontentment, but don't abandon the vision.  It's easy to leave people.  It's not easy to leave purpose.

Warning:  Common purpose might not be so common.  Be careful about assuming your spouse or close relationships see the commonality of your purpose.  Communication is essential to finding the common part.  Sometimes one person seems more in the spotlight but the other one is just as much a part of the reward through their behind the scenes sacrifices.  Great vision accommodates and honors all parties in the rewards.

What's up with you? 
What relationship is strained in your life that could be reconnected by discussing why you are meant to be in one another's life? What is your vision and how do your primary relationships fit into it?  What burdens from societal norms can be lifted through common vision? What is your family vision? Is it hard to find?  Let's talk about it here.

A Tribute

To the Fathers in my life...

Blessed beyond full that I have 4 fathers to write about.

Alex Fitzgerald is the father of my 2 children and the committed witness to my life.  He excels in these two roles above the masses as he does in most everything he does.  He is the most loyal warrior I know with strength of hand but depth of heart.  Never afraid to show his tenderness, it causes his valor in battle to shine all the more.  If our boys could possibly comprehend now the kind of father they have, there would never be a fear that they would stray.  Of course, life doesn't work that way but it does leave the ability for him to leave footsteps to follow. What a great inheritance our boys have!

Andy Albright is a father of vision.  Vision requires a path made and correction to it.  He has pioneered a way for us to fulfill dreams and corrected us so we didn't stray from it.  A father of vision can be a hard role to fill because it can be thankless in the short term. But the most affective visionaries move with certainty not worrying who gets the credit.  With a heart full of gratitude, I honor him today.

Pastor Mike Hayes is a spiritual father.  We are definitely one of the many that found healing for our wounds under the words and covering of this man.  Now we serve others out of the overflow of what is in us but this is only because of his ministry and the healing it brought to our earthen vessels.

My Dad

Richard Knorr is my Daddy.  It's an honor to favor him.  I get what I need from my Dad.  My heart aches for those who don't know what its like to be full from a Dad's love.  I will share my Daddy with you because I'm sure of the depth of his faithfulness.  He could do it.  Take you all in, care for you, meet the need of our fragile identities just by letting you be who you are and never lacking in affection or love.  The power of these simple acts is profound and my Dad is a master of them.

Happy Father's Day!

Making Influence a Commodity

I like American Idol.  If you don't feel the same, its ok.  I am going some where so bear with me.  Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina made it to the Finale.  In my opinion, there were more deserving contestants for the finale but somehow, i just could not be disappointed at the results because these two are so darn likeable.  Since Scotty's win and Lauren's smooch on him, I can't help but like them even more.  A friend was telling me the other day how they still insist they are just friends and how their moms are now the best of friends.  Here we are 3 grown women all over the age of 35 and I am actually interested quite enthralled with her stories.  It's laughable, I know, and many of you are poking fun.  Some of you won't admit it but you just learned something new yourself and felt a rush of thrill over the news. But there is a force at work here that we hide in embarrassment to be pawns in its game, but what if we could decode and understand how to use the force in our favor?

If my neighbor was telling me of two talented teenagers from the nearby high school that sang beautifully together,  I would say, "oh, that's nice."  If she didn't take my cue and continued on, to tell me how they are so cute together but insist that they aren't dating.  Their moms have even become great friends.  I surely would not feel a rush or a thrill over this news.  In fact, would be hard pressed to store in my memory bank or ever mention again.  So what makes the exact same story on American Idol so riveting to millions of Americans? One word: influence.

Everyone wants it but few understand the inner workings of such a force.  If we can't identify when it is being used on us, we will never understand how to use it for our favor.  Influence is a commodity.  It's not inherently bad or good.  Influence is almost always coupled with a talent in a particular area.  As we see on American Idol, it can be raw or practiced and does not necessarily need to be the greatest talent in its area.  This special force is an ability whether sincere or not to make others feel they can trust you and that above your own needs, you care about them.  Scotty and Lauren both were able to communicate that they were trustworthy in the everyday practices of their lives as well as they would do whatever it takes to reach their audience.  No one can determine if anothers' motives are pure, but as voters on American Idol, we think we can accurately discern, and ultimately, the votes reveal who could display the power of the force of influence.

Learning to communicate these qualities should naturally flow from the inner workings of our hearts.  When we learn to love others from a sincere place, it puts a demand on the everyday practices of our lives calling us to a higher standard.  We happily live this standard as an expression of our love of others.  And this is how within a particular sphere of God given talent we can distinguish ourselves and become a person of influence.  Influence is not easily contained nor controlled once given and will inevitably affect all spheres of your life.

Let's apply this tool by identifying when influence is being used in our everyday lives and learn how to gain influence in our respective spheres.   Because being coupled with talent, influence for negative gain often communicates, "don't you wish you could be like me".  My desire is to use influence for good by teaching others how to do the same.  Positive influence empowers others instead of creating a wall of separation to designate who can and who can't.  I don't mind being a pawn in the game every now and then but knowing how to identify when I am being swayed for my own gain versus bound and entangled could become one of the most valuable difference makers in my life.

What's up with you?
Identify negative influence so it can't keep you down.  How can you find positive influence and become positive influence in your spheres?

Feelought or Theelings?!?

Sometimes I forget what I'm worrying about, but I know I was worrying because I can feel the ache in my heart.  Usually I forget because I'm distracted by some other thought process like how the kids have once again managed to get fingerprints all over the windows or I hear my phone inform me I've got a new text.  The physical angst I feel remains and reminds me to remember what I was worrying about.  So, I start working through the categories of my life like a checklist to relocate that area of concern.  This process always seems crazy to me.  It's amazing how my thoughts can move on but my feelings can remain,  and yet I insist on realigning my thoughts with my feelings.

But today I understood why this happens.  Climbing back into bed to wake my husband this morning, I felt disappointment.  I felt disappointment because my husband is an intensely focused, high performing man who runs on little to no sleep.  So when given the freedom to catch some zzz's, he becomes increasingly difficult to wake.  With me and the boys just selfishly wanting him to entertain us on a Saturday morning, I attempted to wake him but as I lay in bed beside him, I felt this strong rush of disappointment.  It was because of my previous experiences in this exact same scenario where I have left disappointed.  I had no reason for him to wake.  When there is a legitimate reason he always wakes, but when its just because, it isn't usually the same result.  I felt strong negative feelings and instantly my brain started thinking of all the reasons why he had disappointed me.  I had gone way back to "how some things will never change" and it only took an instant to pull the worn out movie reel in my mind.  For some reason this morning, I stopped myself with an epiphany.  Very aware of the physical discomfort caused by disappointment,  I realized my feelings and thoughts are not attached.  My brain is programmed as if they are.  I feel that gnawing in my gut and my thoughts begin to rationalize my feeling.  But what if I didn't have to ruin my Saturday morning by being mad at my husband?

What we did on Saturday morning as a family

Feelings are simply emotions that cause us to feel something physically, but I don't have to allow my thoughts to submit to my feelings.  While I'm not as convinced my feelings can be changed in a moment, I know my thoughts can be changed in a moment.  I believe feelings are a response to our experiences.  Whether positive or negative, how we felt about that experience in the past will determine how we feel in the future.  The only way to alter the feeling is to alter the thought process associated with those feelings. I felt disappointment today but I quickly stopped my thought process and remembered how grateful I am for my husband.  He never knew I had this moment.  In fact, he might feel like I've shared too much.  He did awake soon after and bring some entertainment for us.  We had a great morning that was not tainted by my bad mood.  But it was such a powerful tool to know that I don't have to ruin a moment, a day, a season because I feel a certain way.  I can preserve so much time in life by choosing my thought life.

So if life is about the pursuit of happiness, not simply being happy, this is a tool that will take time to master.  Today was my aha! moment but tomorrow will be a challenge just the same to apply it.  I'll get it right some days and I'll get it wrong others. Slowly I can master it.

We are designed to feel.  Don't stop shedding tears, bursting out in laughter, or gasping at great surprises.  Just know that your feelings and thoughts are not connected.  They aren't "feeloughts" or "theelings". They are two separate abilities with two separate purposes.

What's up with you?
When you apply this, let me know in comments how it works.  I often catch myself now saying I can control how I think about this scenario when my feelings tell me different.

This is the start...

...of something new.  Can we really?  Make a new beginning, cause something to be that isn't, find that which we are looking for...dare i say it...change.  Eek...i don't like this word anymore.  Culture has made us cynical but it doesn't take away the truth that something new requires something different.  Change has become ideological, theoretical, and based on hope.  When we realize that change is about the ordinary, mundane little stuff and not something that we have to wait for, we no longer feel powerless thinking our desires are for someone else.
    So today I start a blog to make a change.  I feel insecure, or maybe vulnerable is a better word, putting myself out there in a blog.  But the journey is the only true form of life.  Or you might have heard it said its the pursuit of happiness not happiness itself.  Destination thinkers, which includes me, find ourselves bound by the route details.  Yet, I'm not bound anymore. Embracing discomfort is never easy but by digging deeper we find reusable tools to better handle new experiences.  Figuring out what I need to change and what I need to hold onto will never prepare me, but it will equip me for life.