The Moment that Matters Most

It's hard to be a mom.  Perhaps the hardest thing of all is the realization that after being given this precious, most amazing being, you can lose it.  Everything is temporal in this life whether it gets consumed, deteriorates, or dies.  There isn't anything that I can think of that lasts except our actions that sow forward into our future and the future of others.  It's the only thing that can have lasting impact.  History tells us this is true, but it also records all other temporal things in an attempt to cling to those things which aren't intended to last forever.  It's good to remember.  I'm not dissing history. It's just the hardest thing for us to accept that which we love won't always be here and it haunts us as mothers.

I remember when I gave birth to my first son I thought it was the most awe-inspiring experience I had ever had.  I wasn't moved to tears because I was so stunned and excited.  In fact, I didn't cry at all until they wheeled me out of the hospital to my car with this little, most unexpected creature in my lap.  I realized that now I was responsible for not breaking him and consequently my now very fragile heart.  About 6 months later, after so many anxiety ridden days of checking to be sure he was still breathing, eating just right, never exposed to germs and probably calling the pediatrician too many times,  I was driving in the car wrestling with God saying I can't trust you with him until I heard Him say so clear, "What other choice do you have?"  So simple, but so profound.  While he was still breathing and doing just fine, I had become more aware than ever in the last 6 months that doing everything I could, would never be enough to ensure nothing would happen to him. And yet again, God wins :).

Through this struggle, I have come to believe that there is a moment in a child's life that is the most important of all.   Since everything in life is temporal, and boy, some days that is a real blessing.  It doesn't feel like a blessing when it comes to the people we love.  But here is where it gets a little sticky because I definitely do not want to push my belief system upon you.  It does seem like most people, in their attempt to understand this life is not permanent, believe in something after life, and even believe in some ultimate Being.  If this is your core understanding, then you can hang with me.  I believe there is life after death and while I'm not real sure of what we will look like, I believe we will know one another.  This means that when life seems over, it actually just began in another realm.  That realm isn't temporal but is permanent. Meaning there, in that place, my precious, unexpected beings, that ravished my heart, will last forever.  With this understanding, it becomes obvious that the moment of conception is the most significant because it just created another eternal being that will last forever.

I have 4 moments of conception and no matter what happens from this day forward I have 4 beings in eternity.  On Sept 15, 2005, I miscarried a baby girl.  Her name is Lucy, which means light, if any of you beat me there.  She will have a special glow when you meet her.  My two beloved sons, Joseph and Zachary, who are still here on Earth.  Lord willing, I will beat them there, but at least I have the comfort of knowing that we have a designated meeting place should we get separated. And, yes, that leaves one more.  You all are good at math, I can tell.

With that lengthy, but fitting intro, we did find out on July 19th that we are expecting again.  Baby Fitz #3 will be joining us around April 1st, and no, this is no April Fool's joke.  Here's the proof in the picture.  Just what you wanted to see, I know.



I know this blog challenges the whole issue of abortion and I'm not trying to be controversial.  It's just the only way I can rationalize the fear of losing a child, and maybe it could heal the heart of someone who might be broken by the decision of abortion to know that even that decision wasn't as permanent as it felt since the most significant moment happened at conception.  I do most definitely believe in the purpose of our days, but this brings peace, in my rationale, to some haunting realities of life.

This life tool is to remember that some moments that might go unnoticed are actually the most significant moments of life.  Don't fret, I adore my husband as well and believe when we married, I was bound with him for eternity as well.  There is just something about the love combined with the responsibility that we feel for our children that makes our ability to think rationally about them so much more challenging.  (Ok, its just as hard to think rationally about our husbands too but that's for other blogs :)).  Sometimes, a little shift in our perspective can bring a sense of peace that we didn't think was possible.

Add'l Note: I apologize for not blogging for the last 2 weeks.  I have been very sick from this pregnancy making it difficult for my brain to write.  So, I don't make a lot of promises for the near future, but I will be back in full force shortly.