Deeply Well

Something he can do!

My youngest son, Zachary, is nearly 3.  He is in a- "I can't do it"-stage.  These are things that he is perfectly capable of like picking up toys, walking from the car to store, going and getting his Pup-pup for bedtime.  I don't give in to him because I know he is capable.  I make him do these things and usually require him to repeat after me- "I can do it!".  He isn't a fan of my self-improvement ways, but I have little compassion for him when he refuses to do something that I know he can.


Quite honestly, I see myself in him.  Not something I'm proud to admit.  I like to think I've matured enough that I have figured out how to pick up and move on.  But I still enjoy my moments of wallowing, however brief or long they may be, where I get an opportunity to cry and express my disgust with the situation. I've actually come to believe there is nothing wrong with these moments.  What matters is what happens next.

I'm married to a man who doesn't let me wallow long.  I haven't always appreciated him for this. He's a great communicator and will hear me out on how I feel about things.  But because he lives his life at such a standard of "no excuses", he, quicker than I prefer most times, eventually ends these types of conversations with some gentle way of telling me to "suck it up".  I typically walk away a little bruised and left to think.

We spent nearly 5 years building a business together and these years were such a thrill.  Through arguing and debating in the first year, we found our groove.  We figured out who should be doing what, how the other one operated, and felt released to trust each other to do what we said we would.  We worked grueling hours, had high expectations of ourselves and we loved every minute of it!  Once we hit our stride, the business grew through all these years and we were so fulfilled not only by our success but by our relationship.

When our first son was born, I decided to stay home and I found myself really struggling.  Oh goodness, I was so tired, never thought being that tired was possible.  I had handed over every personal whim to the needs of this child.  I had to abandon myself to be his mother.  But at the same time, I was mourning the loss of productivity at work, I was feeling lonely in my relationship with Alex now that we didn't have the same schedule, and I was resenting him for still working his relentless schedule when I needed him more than ever.  This was one of those times that I discussed earlier where he would hear me out, but ultimately not agree that I couldn't go on.  He wasn't insensitive to me.  He just needed me to stop saying, "I can't", and start saying, "I can".

Now that I'm a stay at home mother of two (soon-to-be three), business partner to my husband (which involves my daily emotional accessibility, regular traveling, speaking, mentoring and much more) and recently an Elder at Covenant Church, the thought of only having a newborn sounds like a vacation.  I look back at that season when I always felt like he didn't understand, a little bruised that he wasn't more sensitive, and I realize that I was growing a deep well so that I could become deeply well.

Sometimes the words, "I can't" just come out as a natural reaction to life feeling hard.  As I more closely examine my heart, I normally find there is something else in there for me to give.  It might require me to dig a little deeper than I thought possible but by reaching deeper to give out for my kids, my husband, and others I can help, I find that in fact I run much deeper than I think.  And truly I become stronger, capable of handling more, as I choose to expand my capacity.

This life tool is try saying "I can!" more often even when you don't feel like it.  We are capable of so much more than we realize.  I give you permission to take your moment, have your meltdown, feel your feelings.  It is all real.  But at some point you've got to get up square your shoulders and decide there is something more inside of you that you can give. Mad love to those of you who have been forced to dig deeper through major life traumas and come out changed and stronger on the other side.  We've all gone through things that we didn't want to go through and we can relate to being grateful for them.  Yet victory can also be won when we aren't forced, we just choose to give at that deeper level.  What we find there might just change us for the better.

"Only people who find the deeper well can become deeply well, and only such people can be an enriching force in creating a well culture." -Dick Staub