Deeply Well

Something he can do!

My youngest son, Zachary, is nearly 3.  He is in a- "I can't do it"-stage.  These are things that he is perfectly capable of like picking up toys, walking from the car to store, going and getting his Pup-pup for bedtime.  I don't give in to him because I know he is capable.  I make him do these things and usually require him to repeat after me- "I can do it!".  He isn't a fan of my self-improvement ways, but I have little compassion for him when he refuses to do something that I know he can.


Quite honestly, I see myself in him.  Not something I'm proud to admit.  I like to think I've matured enough that I have figured out how to pick up and move on.  But I still enjoy my moments of wallowing, however brief or long they may be, where I get an opportunity to cry and express my disgust with the situation. I've actually come to believe there is nothing wrong with these moments.  What matters is what happens next.

I'm married to a man who doesn't let me wallow long.  I haven't always appreciated him for this. He's a great communicator and will hear me out on how I feel about things.  But because he lives his life at such a standard of "no excuses", he, quicker than I prefer most times, eventually ends these types of conversations with some gentle way of telling me to "suck it up".  I typically walk away a little bruised and left to think.

We spent nearly 5 years building a business together and these years were such a thrill.  Through arguing and debating in the first year, we found our groove.  We figured out who should be doing what, how the other one operated, and felt released to trust each other to do what we said we would.  We worked grueling hours, had high expectations of ourselves and we loved every minute of it!  Once we hit our stride, the business grew through all these years and we were so fulfilled not only by our success but by our relationship.

When our first son was born, I decided to stay home and I found myself really struggling.  Oh goodness, I was so tired, never thought being that tired was possible.  I had handed over every personal whim to the needs of this child.  I had to abandon myself to be his mother.  But at the same time, I was mourning the loss of productivity at work, I was feeling lonely in my relationship with Alex now that we didn't have the same schedule, and I was resenting him for still working his relentless schedule when I needed him more than ever.  This was one of those times that I discussed earlier where he would hear me out, but ultimately not agree that I couldn't go on.  He wasn't insensitive to me.  He just needed me to stop saying, "I can't", and start saying, "I can".

Now that I'm a stay at home mother of two (soon-to-be three), business partner to my husband (which involves my daily emotional accessibility, regular traveling, speaking, mentoring and much more) and recently an Elder at Covenant Church, the thought of only having a newborn sounds like a vacation.  I look back at that season when I always felt like he didn't understand, a little bruised that he wasn't more sensitive, and I realize that I was growing a deep well so that I could become deeply well.

Sometimes the words, "I can't" just come out as a natural reaction to life feeling hard.  As I more closely examine my heart, I normally find there is something else in there for me to give.  It might require me to dig a little deeper than I thought possible but by reaching deeper to give out for my kids, my husband, and others I can help, I find that in fact I run much deeper than I think.  And truly I become stronger, capable of handling more, as I choose to expand my capacity.

This life tool is try saying "I can!" more often even when you don't feel like it.  We are capable of so much more than we realize.  I give you permission to take your moment, have your meltdown, feel your feelings.  It is all real.  But at some point you've got to get up square your shoulders and decide there is something more inside of you that you can give. Mad love to those of you who have been forced to dig deeper through major life traumas and come out changed and stronger on the other side.  We've all gone through things that we didn't want to go through and we can relate to being grateful for them.  Yet victory can also be won when we aren't forced, we just choose to give at that deeper level.  What we find there might just change us for the better.

"Only people who find the deeper well can become deeply well, and only such people can be an enriching force in creating a well culture." -Dick Staub

The Moment that Matters Most

It's hard to be a mom.  Perhaps the hardest thing of all is the realization that after being given this precious, most amazing being, you can lose it.  Everything is temporal in this life whether it gets consumed, deteriorates, or dies.  There isn't anything that I can think of that lasts except our actions that sow forward into our future and the future of others.  It's the only thing that can have lasting impact.  History tells us this is true, but it also records all other temporal things in an attempt to cling to those things which aren't intended to last forever.  It's good to remember.  I'm not dissing history. It's just the hardest thing for us to accept that which we love won't always be here and it haunts us as mothers.

I remember when I gave birth to my first son I thought it was the most awe-inspiring experience I had ever had.  I wasn't moved to tears because I was so stunned and excited.  In fact, I didn't cry at all until they wheeled me out of the hospital to my car with this little, most unexpected creature in my lap.  I realized that now I was responsible for not breaking him and consequently my now very fragile heart.  About 6 months later, after so many anxiety ridden days of checking to be sure he was still breathing, eating just right, never exposed to germs and probably calling the pediatrician too many times,  I was driving in the car wrestling with God saying I can't trust you with him until I heard Him say so clear, "What other choice do you have?"  So simple, but so profound.  While he was still breathing and doing just fine, I had become more aware than ever in the last 6 months that doing everything I could, would never be enough to ensure nothing would happen to him. And yet again, God wins :).

Through this struggle, I have come to believe that there is a moment in a child's life that is the most important of all.   Since everything in life is temporal, and boy, some days that is a real blessing.  It doesn't feel like a blessing when it comes to the people we love.  But here is where it gets a little sticky because I definitely do not want to push my belief system upon you.  It does seem like most people, in their attempt to understand this life is not permanent, believe in something after life, and even believe in some ultimate Being.  If this is your core understanding, then you can hang with me.  I believe there is life after death and while I'm not real sure of what we will look like, I believe we will know one another.  This means that when life seems over, it actually just began in another realm.  That realm isn't temporal but is permanent. Meaning there, in that place, my precious, unexpected beings, that ravished my heart, will last forever.  With this understanding, it becomes obvious that the moment of conception is the most significant because it just created another eternal being that will last forever.

I have 4 moments of conception and no matter what happens from this day forward I have 4 beings in eternity.  On Sept 15, 2005, I miscarried a baby girl.  Her name is Lucy, which means light, if any of you beat me there.  She will have a special glow when you meet her.  My two beloved sons, Joseph and Zachary, who are still here on Earth.  Lord willing, I will beat them there, but at least I have the comfort of knowing that we have a designated meeting place should we get separated. And, yes, that leaves one more.  You all are good at math, I can tell.

With that lengthy, but fitting intro, we did find out on July 19th that we are expecting again.  Baby Fitz #3 will be joining us around April 1st, and no, this is no April Fool's joke.  Here's the proof in the picture.  Just what you wanted to see, I know.



I know this blog challenges the whole issue of abortion and I'm not trying to be controversial.  It's just the only way I can rationalize the fear of losing a child, and maybe it could heal the heart of someone who might be broken by the decision of abortion to know that even that decision wasn't as permanent as it felt since the most significant moment happened at conception.  I do most definitely believe in the purpose of our days, but this brings peace, in my rationale, to some haunting realities of life.

This life tool is to remember that some moments that might go unnoticed are actually the most significant moments of life.  Don't fret, I adore my husband as well and believe when we married, I was bound with him for eternity as well.  There is just something about the love combined with the responsibility that we feel for our children that makes our ability to think rationally about them so much more challenging.  (Ok, its just as hard to think rationally about our husbands too but that's for other blogs :)).  Sometimes, a little shift in our perspective can bring a sense of peace that we didn't think was possible.

Add'l Note: I apologize for not blogging for the last 2 weeks.  I have been very sick from this pregnancy making it difficult for my brain to write.  So, I don't make a lot of promises for the near future, but I will be back in full force shortly.