Less Than

"Pretty, pretty please. Don't you ever, ever feel. Like you're less than.  Less than perfect.  Pretty, pretty please.  If you ever, ever feel.  Like you're nothing.  You are perfect to me."  Thanks to Pink, you might be singing along (hopefully, leaving out the curse words that are in the original version of this song :).  Feeling "less than" is a common feeling to all.  We like to be around people who don't make us feel like less than.  It's one thing to be around people we want to learn from, but quite another to be around others who intend to highlight the things we cannot change about ourselves in order to make us feel inferior.  As if things we cannot change about ourselves could ever rank us.

Being German I'm very light skinned with light brown hair, but was raised at a time when tan and blonde were the "in" thing (I suppose it still is).  As a pre-teen and teenager, I preferred winter when I was a little less aware of how I could never be as cool as the most popular girl in school with the perfect tan.  I never felt beautiful or accepted. I didn't understand that feelings of intimidation were a choice that I had graciously accepted. Thankfully, this is not something that can cause me to feel inferior anymore, but there are still other things that I can allow to cause feelings of intimidation.

One of the ways is simply by being a married woman who desires and thrives on meeting the needs of her husband and family.  There are plenty of women, whether they work outside the home or not, that feel this way. Somehow, thanks to the feminist and "submission" movements, its easy to feel less than because I chose this role.  I believe wholeheartedly in the power of authority and, for that reason, in submission.  But the definition of submission has become quite subjective over the years.  It feels like assumptions are being made about me being weak or mousy because of the perceptions of our culture today, and I find myself feeling intimated by those who make other choices in life.  Simply by being a woman, which I had no choice in, I can feel less than a man.

Chris Gardner and Us

This past weekend I attended a conference for National Agents Alliance (the greatest place on Earth to find a vehicle to make something out of nothing, in my humble opinion).  Chris Gardner was the keynote speaker.  He is the central figure that the movie "The Pursuit of Happyness" was based on.  Such an inspiration of how coming from nothing will create the drive and focus to do whatever necessary to achieve your dreams.  The gratitude built in that process gives a keen perception of what is truly important in life, giving you the ability to accumulate a lot without losing that which is most valuable.  He tells the story of how while working at Bear Sterns, he had a particularly interesting relationship with this millionaire from Midland, TX.  His name is J.R. (at least in the book).  Chris was in San Francisco and within the first few interactions on the phone, he became comfortable enough with Chris to let his true colors show.  J.R. loved inappropriate language and particularly racist jokes.  Chris said he was especially fond of the "N" word.  Chris chose in that moment to keep his eyes on what was important.  This guy's racist views and language was not one of them.  Chris had no choice about the color of his skin, and he wasn't going to allow this man's bigotry to keep him from providing for his son and benefiting his career.

J.R. had a large amount of money with Chris and his firm and he decides one day that he needed to meet Chris, who had done so well for him.  Chris had a knot in his stomach as J.R. told him of his plans, but agreed to meet him anyhow.  He prepared himself to be sure he could prove the success of the account.  As J.R. entered the room, Chris stuck his hand out and as J.R. shook his hand, the man's face went pale.  No mention was made until the end of the meeting when Chris said to the man, "This isn't a black or white thing. This is a green thing."  So impressed with Chris, J.R. never again told him a racist joke.  And it is my assumption that he never again told a racist joke to anyone.  J.R. also moved all of the rest of his accounts over to Chris making it the largest account in the history of the company.

Chris, knowing he was not less than J.R., made the choice to know what it would take to get what he was after.  In fact, Chris proved that he was much "greater than" in character.  In this same way, I know that as a woman I am not less than a man.  However, I understand what I have to do to get the things I want.  I know that I have to follow someone (everyone has to follow someone in order to get the best out of life).  And if I'm going to follow someone it might as well be the man I love the most in this world.  It's a choice to follow someone and not an easy one at that.  Chris's choice was not easy but I don't see anywhere in his story where he is mousy, weak or less than.  So, like Chris, I choose to remain focused on what is most important in life.  I let Alex do some things that I think I can do better or change my schedule when events become necessary or figure out how to hold my tongue in the toughest of scenarios. The ability to be pliable enough to follow a leader, willing enough to let go of that which is not important, and stable enough to hold things together when everything else is falling apart makes me "greater than" in the things I can control like character, integrity and strength of heart.  Don't tell me I'm less than, cause I ain't listening!  All I can hear is the sound of that which I am after marching forward to intersect with the path of my future.

This life tool is to be proud to be a life wife.  It is the short-cut to life's best.  I don't care whether you consider yourself an A, B, C or Z personality type.  Don't change who you are, just figure out how to follow someone and not get distracted on the little stuff.  Change that which you can and don't worry about the rest.  You are perfect to me to become who you want to be.

Raleigh News&Observer Article about Chris Gardner and NAA

Are You Breeding?

I've always used this belief - "familiarity breeds contempt"- to keep certain people at arms length.  I didn't want them to know my human tendencies- how I'm not really a night or a morning person, because I just like to sleep, or how when I get really passionate about a topic I become annoyingly difficult to hush, or how I simply fail, over and over again, to keep my husband's underwear drawer full.  You know, these "imperfections" we all confess to have, but if we don't show them then maybe we can keep the impression that they aren't really that bad, in comparison.

How I could see him.

I'm also very aware of how familiarity with my husband has caused me to see him a little differently too.  There were so many times in the early years of developing our business that he didn't produce results and I convinced myself that he was inefficient or unproductive.  (Yes, Baby, I was wrong. Music to your ears :)  At times I also struggled to buy into his unwavering loyalty to a vision.  It became easy for me to feel contempt for him.  Of course, I've never been a huge fan of his snoring or tendency to fall asleep anytime he sits still for more than 2 minutes.  So, I'm aware of how familiarity can lead to contempt.

What confuses me is that I don't believe familiarity is a bad thing.  We were created to be familiar with one another. Two are better than one. It's definitely the best design out there to have a life witness.  Procreation pretty much demands it.  (Don't over-think that one.)  So, if familiarity is not a bad thing, then why does it breed contempt?  Maybe the problem in this equation isn't the familiarity, but the contempt itself.  Perhaps the message here is to avoid the pitfall of contempt while entering into familiarity with another human.  This puts the onus on the one entering the familiarity.  In other words, it puts the responsibility back on me to avoid contempt in all my relationships.

How I choose to see him.

There is a way to protect yourself against contempt but it probably isn't the answer you are hoping for.  It's simple -- but not easy.  And while it may not feel like it, it is under your control.  It's a choice to see it differently -- to look at the things that could potentially annoy you and choose to find them endearing.  To find them different than you, but essential for you.  Why not just assume that this person is doing the best they can with what they’ve got.  There is great power in assuming the best about people.  Don't wait on a wake-up call like serious illness or separation to change your mind.

Yes, this definitely applies with my husband who takes such abuse by being the subject of my blogging.  Thank the Lord that he isn't afraid of being known and making himself familiar.  He's just smart enough to know that if one person has contempt for him, he can find someone else who doesn’t.  But this goes far beyond him, to people that I work for, people I work with, and people with whom I share my heart and life.  Trust me, they’ve got the goods on me.  Now, I've got to make good by guarding my heart against contempt.

This life tool is to not allow your thoughts to create a breeding ground for contempt towards others, especially those whom you intend to keep around for life.  It will protect you from missing out on what is designed to be your best.  Getting what you need from the most pivotal people in your life requires a little familiarity. So, they aren't perfect.  So what?!?

Who's the Cake's Boss?

I really like cake.  All kinds of cake- coffee cake, pound cake, bundt cake, upside down cake, cup cakes- you get my point.   I probably like cake a little too much and the scale attested to this a few weeks ago.  So, I decided if it had gone up, that it must come down.  I joined Weight Watchers and began to count my points, watching what I ate very carefully. If someone put cake in front of me right now, I would really have to think about not eating that cake.  I could rationalize it.  Since I get a budgeted amount of points per day, I could use them now and just not eat later.  Or I could go to the gym and earn the necessary points.  I would seriously think hard and maybe even be a little perturbed at the person who put the cake in front of me.  Despite my deep longing to just sample the cake, I might find the strength to walk away.  Inevitably, the next day, I would reflect on my good decision and tell myself that was really no big deal to not eat cake.  I should not eat cake more often!  But somehow, the longing is just as strong the next time we meet.

This type of longing or craving is very indicative of the nature of pain caused by discomfort.   The intensity of pain in a moment sways us towards the decision that will relieve the pain.  Usually, these decisions are destructive in nature to what we were working so hard to build in our life and relationships. But after the moment has passed, we barely remember the pain, yet we are still living out the consequences of our decision made in the pain.  In the years of struggling to get out of debt, build a business, fight for my marriage, bring children into this world, I have cried so many tears.  But quite honestly I do not remember what I was crying about, not specifically.  I remember trials that we had to work through, but I can't remember exact dates and details of tearful nights.  I know through those years I picked up some bad habits that I had to battle my way out of-- my addiction to TV, junk food joys, shutting down emotionally towards my husband.   I also have done some things right because we did get out of debt, build a business, strengthen our marriage and somehow manage to start the process of our two "off-shoots".

Some of you are desperately fighting for things to change in your own life.  You're tired of the heavy weight of debt, unsettling anxiety or dissatisfaction in your relationships; and if I can encourage you at all, it is to remind you that you will most likely not remember the tears you are crying today.  But you will remember clearly and vividly the day you overcome.  The day you pay off the last credit card.  The day you enter a room of strangers with less anxiety.  The day you reach your weight goal.  These victories are vivid and worth building monuments to revisit over and over again.  Don't let pain lie to you in the moment (like me rationalizing eating cake) and rob you of these life changing events.

Not pretty...eating cake rarely is!

This life tool is not don't eat cake :)!  I put a picture here to go ahead and stop the paparazzi when you see me eating cake.  My affection for cake doesn't nullify the point.  But I do need to remain the cake's "boss" to keep its effect on my scale to a minimum.



This life tool is to not allow pain to keep you from making the right decisions.  The pain will move on.  It's one of life's greatest graces.

Check out this link for a little something extra.  Trust me, its worth a couple minutes!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SLJ5X5hsHs&feature=related

How Come the Outcome

Just when you think you've got it figured out...

Never fear, friends, the competitive spirit is alive and well in our household.  In a society that has become afraid of crowning winners for fear of wounding self esteem, we have daily rivalries over everything from who got dressed first to who is sitting closest to mommy at breakfast.  Truly, I sometimes find myself moving just to be able to eat in peace.  The most popular competition is who can get their seat belt on the fastest.  Funny enough, my younger son cannot even buckle himself in yet.  While I'm buckling him in, my older son is working quick to be first.  All the while, they are smack talking to each other about who is going to win.  "I'm almost there.  You're going to lose. I'm going to be first." As the tension rises, so does the screaming and loss of control of emotion, which usually brings about the inability to maneuver hands and effectively buckle.  Then, whoever finally can open their eyes long enough to realize they lost or won, will cry all the more if the outcome did not go their way.  I'm not exaggerating.  It all culminates with me saying, "That's enough. Quiet!"

Competition is stronger in some as an innate compulsion to win.  It's an awesome self-motivating spirit of someone who is willing to make self sacrifices in order to reach a desired outcome.  It also comes with a strong desire for constant self improvement. I know this because the man I'm married to possesses this admirable quality and it shows.  I get to witness it.  I have grown to not only understand it but love it about him.  A great competitor understands that you win by excelling in the process not by willing the outcome.  Right now, my children do not understand this.  They're kids, but as they grow to be excellent men, they will be able to comprehend the power of the process.

I relate sometimes to their thinking, as children, when I desire a certain outcome in life.   I don't want to make the right choices, get control of my emotions, or have to bear the burden one moment longer but I cry when the outcome doesn't go my way.  These are the moments that I have to make the painful choice to look in the mirror and make necessary adjustments.

...everything changes.

But what about when the outcome requires more than my daily disciplines?  What about when it requires me to believe the best even when I don't feel like it?  These outcomes involve things I cannot control. Suppose you gave your best and believed with all your heart, but it doesn't go your way.  These moments of disappointing outcomes can be the hardest to overcome.  It's easier when we can identify something within our daily routine or behavior that could have altered the result.  But when it just isn't clear, we begin to doubt what we thought was true.  How does this not affect what we will believe the next time?  We've all been there before unsure why it didn't go our way, why our prayers weren't answered.  We feel forever changed unable to believe with our whole heart again.  It just leaves us questioning everything.

Maybe the answers to the questions are far more simple than we realize.  The answer could be as close as an Alan Jackson song, "Faith, hope, and love are some good things He gave us."  To correctly quote the source of these words, it says "Faith, hope and love will remain."  When all outcomes pass on, the money earned, the degrees accredited, the business built, even the days we live, the unmeasurable substances-faith, hope and love- will prove to still be there. Sounds a bit unfathomable but if this is true, that these thought processes to apply faith, hope and love in all things actually continue to live on, then they live on in other peoples' hearts who were encouraged by you to believe this way.  Then they pass it on to someone else.  You know, it only takes a spark to get a fire going.  (I'm sorry, y'all, for the cheese but it just applied here).  And if you believe in Heaven, these substances live on when the new heaven and the new earth come.  Every outcome that we are fighting for will be gone, but faith, hope and love are the only currency that actually has a measurable attribute in Heaven.  This belief doesn't change the will to win but it frees you to compete all the more when you're not afraid to lose.

This life tool is to never stop believing for the best outcome possible.  To apply faith, hope, and love in the process, when it's all said and done, might just be the most rewardable (yes, i made that word up) outcome of all.   If society could understand this, that self worth is built in the process, not destroyed by the outcome, then maybe we could raise a generation of children not afraid of losing but afraid of not trying.  There is far more to be lost by not trying than by not winning.

What's up with you?
Where have you given up that you need to re-energize your belief in the best outcome possible?